π ways to build a robot wife for an engineer

March 9, 2006 - tagged by MJ.
March 10 to April 10 - kidnapped by aliens....or something.
April 11, 2006 - realize I've been tagged and proceed to write this post.

Since the tagger's xanga is protected, I have to explain what I've been tagged for. I'm supposed to give a list of what I look for in a future mate.

As with any good informal-posted-on-a-blog list, I think a preface is in order. Since technology will probably not be able to produce a life-like robot (or android) in my lifetime, I guess I have to settle for the real thing. (Yes, my name is calculon, and I am a Geek™) (No, my real name is not calculon, but that's something that geeks do, c'mon, keep up)

Ok, now that the pleasantries are out of the way, everyone go read this.

Do we all agree geeks are awesome? Ok, now we can get to the point.

(I've added percentages to show what portion of the world's population would fall into that criterion)

According to my parents, my future wife must meet 2 criteria.

1. female 50%
2. undeniable evidence from the way she lives that she loves God much less than 33%

Now that I have fulfilled my filial duty, I present to you the list, in no particular order:

She is fluent in Mandarin (this includes reading and writing) + (ideally) Taiwanese
You know, my Mandarin and Taiwanese are only ok. But my family thinks it's really good. So everytime my parents/aunts/uncles or someone-who-i-don't-know-but-is-probably-related talk to me, I have to pretend that I know what they're saying. But I'm really clueless. They could be asking me the recipe for fortune-cookies for all I know. So who better to be your interpreter than your spouse right? An added bonus is getting great service at Chinese restaurants.

The real reason for this is for our kids. We gotta give them every advantage we can right? I can teach them how to play video games, but who will teach them to speak another language? Their mom! This way they'll be all prepared to argue with people in Taiwan over which video game is the best. 13.4%

She is humorous
I want someone who can laugh at my family with me. And who finds the little things in life funny. Because I lost those when I was like 6. And ever since then, I've only had the big things. I need to complete my life funny set!

Oh, and anytime I'm making fun of someone in our family (read: siblings and their spouses) she has to be on my side. Those are the rules.

She is social glue
For the simple fact that I am not. There are some out there that do not believe my claim of being introverted. But, trust me, I'm an introvert. And shy. That's why I'm posting an intensly personal list of future-mate-traits on the Internet. No, seriously, I need someone who can get me out of conversations I don't want to be in. We'll have a hand signal and everything. Like me waving to her to come over and join the conversation. And then I'll leave. 60%

She prefers truth over happiness
I am of this mindset. I'd rather know the whole truth even if it'll hurt me. And hopefully she'll be the same. So there won't be any confusion when she asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" and I answer truthfully. If she wanted me to lie, why did she ask? She knows I'm an honest person!

She is decisive
This is one of my pet peeves. I hate it when people can't make up their minds. There is nothing wrong with looking at the big picture, making sure you didn't miss anything and taking your time to make a wise decision. But once you've made up your mind, stick to your decision. Debating the pros/cons of any decision could last forever (I know, because I tend to do this). Eventually you just have to pick one. (Perfect example is when I ask her to marry me. She can take her time to reach her decision. But I'll only take her first answer, be it yes or no) (just kidding, if it's no, I'll let her change it)

She has (or will have) an upper level degree
This is defined as something beyond a bachelor's degree. This is mainly because I don't want our kids to be dumb (yeah, she's gonna have to offset my contribution to the brains department). And also because my jokes are really complex. Nah, I just want her to be the wage earner in the family so I can be a house-husband. 7.9%

She likes to read
This is related to the previous criterion. Plus, what if I'm IMing her a joke and it takes her 10 seconds to read? The moment will have passed. Steps must be taken to avoid huge potential calamities such as this.

She wears glasses
This isn't really that important to me, but if I had the choice, I'd prefer someone who wore glasses. (contacts count). For some reason, I find this attractive. Maybe because if I lose my contacts, I can steal hers. Oh, having the exact same prescription as me gets bonus points.

She has musical ability
I think it would be hard for me to marry someone who can't sing in tune. It would just make me not want to sing. Ever. And that would be a sad sad marriage. But honestly, playing an instrument is attractive. Just an insurance policy for our pan-handling in case she loses her job.

She likes logic puzzles and red herrings
She can join in our debates about who got the Sudoku puzzle first. I did of course. She's married to me remember?

She likes to play cards
This is so she won't feel bored at family gatherings. I mean between translating for me and being social glue, she has to do something right?

She likes kids
How can you have a family if you don't like kids? And how can you start a family owned business if you don't have family? Which brings me to my point.

She has siblings
I need someone to give me dirt on her, right? And who will tell all the embarrassing stories at the wedding banquet?

She wants to get married in Hawaii
Ok, anybody who I've explained this to can be excused for this session. Basically it goes like this: If we get married in Hawaii, then only people who really want to come (read: close friends and family) will actually shell out the money to fly to Hawaii. This solves the problem of inviting a bunch of people you don't really know at your wedding. Another bonus is you get to spend a few days hanging out with your close friends and family in Hawaii instead of them just flying in, spending a few hours with you at the rehearsal dinner + ceremony + banquet, and then flying back home. The last benefit of getting married in Hawaii is the all-in-one packages. I hear they start at $5000. Just show up and everything is taken care of. (Obviously the lowest packages probably leave much to be desired, but still, this is my example for my list, just let it go). But seriously, who doesn't want to get married in paradise? 100%

She knows how to take care of finances
This will become very important when I make a lot of money. I mean, when she makes a lot of money. Plus, I don't want to marry a big spender. Big earner, that's who I want to marry.

She is tall
This is very subjective. But let's put it this way, I don't think I would have a problem marrying someone taller than me. And I want my kids to be tall (because taller people have advantages). Obviously, not too tall. But not short. Ideally, someone the same height as me, 5'7".

She is ticklish
Just because. I am, so it would be unfair if she could tickle me but I wouldn't be able to tickle her. I'm all about fairness.

She can drive
This may seem like a weird criterion, but think how hard it would be to marry someone who couldn't drive....well. I would have to do all the driving on road trips, I would have to pay huge insurance premiums because of all the accidents, etc. This just causes too many problems. This only becomes a non-issue if we live somewhere with good public transportation (NY or Taipei for example). But even then, the rare occasion where we rented a car I would have to drive. Nevermind, this is never a non-issue.

She votes!
If you don't know why, then....uh.....just skip to the next one. 45%

She can cook ... well
This is because I like to eat ... well. Actually, I'm not a very picky eater, so I don't even know why I put this here. Maybe to impress my Mom? Oh, our kids. So our kids will have good healthy meals to eat, that's right, I remember now. After all, they have to be tall, remember?

She doesn't talk during movies
If I wanted to talk with her, I wouldn't have bought a ticket to watch a movie. This just boggles the mind. Do I buy a ticket to a concert so I can eat a 7 course meal? Do I buy a ticket to a theme park so I can read a book? The answer is no. We'll talk after the movie. She just needs to remember all the things she wanted to say and spill them out after the credits. This is another pet peeve of mine.

She doesn't want to keep separate bank accounts
Read this.

She doesn't want a diamond ring
The reason I refuse to buy a diamond ring is because the diamond industry is a cartel. Long story short: Diamonds are worthless and we have been conditioned to believe they are valuable. The high prices are artificially fixed. Everytime you buy a diamond, you are supporting an evil cartel. Do a google search. You'll find out the truth.

Ten reasons why you should never accept a diamond ring

Read this if you really want to know why I don't like diamonds

Article in The Economist

This is actually something I feel strongly about, but I know it is probably the most likely criterion I will have to compromise on. 0%

Conclusion
There are (an estimated) 6.5 billion people in the world.
If I multiply all the percentages together (excluding the 0% diamond one), I am left with 3,065,441 possible candidates.

If I include:

no long distance (0.15%) (people living in Los Angeles County (9,937,739) vs. the world (6.5 billion)

age range 22.4%

I'm left with 1050 people.

What does this mean? If I get married, it will truly be a miracle.

The above is completely true and factual. Any sarcasm or alluding to humor in the above post is completely coincidental. The terms of this list are subject to change at any time without prior notification.