I'm Asian.  Or 63/64 Asian.  I plan on tracking down my ancient Dutch ancestor someday.  But not today.

My Asianness causes me to have horrible eyesight.  You can argue about correlation vs causation, but believe me.  It's caused by my Asianness.

I wear contacts.  I have glasses, too.  But I usually wear contacts.  I only wear my glasses if I'm too lazy to leave my apartment or I'm taking a redeye.

Yesterday was the first day I wore my glasses because someone else was wearing my contacts.  I woke up in the morning afternoon and stumbled into the bathroom.  I squinted to find my contact case.  I found it.  I unscrewed my contact case and dumped out the solution.  I open the little hinged door and there were no contacts.  My case was empty.

At first I thought I got robbed, but then I remembered I was in NY staying at my friend's place.  So I thought he got robbed.  But then I thought maybe in some freak accident, he woke up and put my contacts into his eyes.  He must have walked into the bathroom, picked up a contact case that he didn't put there, assumed that the contact fairies left some contacts for him conveniently in the bathroom and proceeded to put them in.  And then went to work.  Blind.

I texted him and he confirmed the above theory.

I had to wait until this morning to get my contacts back so I could see well enough to post this.  My eyes feel a little violated.

another life lesson

2005.  Pre-financial crisis.  Pre-law school.  175 posts on Mozo.  Life was good.

2011.  1 post on Mozo.

Either I got really lazy and just stopped blogging, or my life got drastically less interesting.  Since I'm such a diligent, responsible, hard-working person in all aspects of my life (as you all can attest to), it's obvious what happened.

Conclusion:  Don't be old.

Spread the word.  Teach your kids.  Don't let this happen to YOU.

No, I don't know what I'm doing awake at 6:33am.

In yo face!

At the end of my run, a bug flew in my face. I remember feeling something briefly in my eye, but I couldn't tell if it was just sweat or my hand waving away the bug.

After I got back home, I washed my face and looked in the mirror.



That black speck is the bug.

Halloween 2010

We threw these together literally in a few hours at the last minute and we were really afraid we would look like yellow Klansmen. But on the way to the bar, lots of people recognized us and wanted to take pictures, so we were satisfied that they looked pretty good. Then we got to the bar and won the costume contest. Minions ftw.

FYI, I'm the one with the butt cut.

staying on topic FAIL

JTC: My dad doesn't know how to text.
SS: I called my dad last week at midnight to wish him a Happy Birthday, but he didn't pick up. So, I texted him, but I wondered if he even knew how to text. At 2am, someone was calling me on my phone, so I woke up and saw that it was my dad. I didn't want to talk to him at that moment, so I didn't answer. And then 20 minutes later, sure enough, an earthquake.

sensitivity to lawyer jokes as a 0L

(eating kbbq with one lawyer (JC), a soon-to-be law student (AM), and two other friends)

me to JC: Lawyers are great and I can't wait to be one.¹
BM (handing kbbq tools to TC): Your tools.
AM: Did you just say lawyers are tools?

______________
¹The truthfulness of this remark is left as an exercise for the reader.

Awesome Jeff

me: Mom, do you remember when I had long hair?
mom: Yes, you looked like a lion!

mei: Mom didn't like his hair.
mom: I liked his hair. I just didn't like it on him.

(praying before a meal)
dad: Thank you God for blessing our son Jeff.
kc: HAHA. Jeff, your family thinks very highly of you.
me: What do you mean?
kc: I didn't know they referred to you as Awesome Jeff.

Taiwanese Google Voice

UPDATED: added links to the audio because the flash isn't working in Firefox for some reason. If you view it in Chrome or Safari, it works fine.

Since I switched to using Google Voice for my voicemail, I have received some very interesting emails. Google Voice will transcribe the voicemails people leave for you and send it to you via text and email. Here are the best ones. You can listen to the originals, but if you don't understand Taiwanese, they probably won't make a lot of sense. Also, the second one has a big silence in the middle.

Voicemail from: mj wang (***) ***-**** at 3:08 PM

Hi Jeff, This is Simone, it's my want to have a right, although I had at that sheet you work day it which invasion you know what day lightheaded day on eBay reserves one day. But you're right. Okay, just a doing all process it, you know tomorrow morning. I'm in this. You know, I think my day off when I hope you were wide a go. Okay, so if you had a so go ahead and the corner gonna be not avoiding contact tiny you are still sign the eve. Vicky and I'll be headed back. You know how we can town quite a bit. Joni dear. I thought that you might. Okay, thank you bye. Play message

Voicemail from: mj wang (***) ***-**** at 5:38 PM
Jeff, This is Jim highway. Hey I it though, not tonight. Recall hotel. Thank you. Give me a call. Ohh yeah, or will do you. We're yeah. Gosh 84. Play message

Gradumacation Day

hehehehehehehehehehehe. LAST DEGREE EVER!

Run 5K for Haiti

Here is the promised post on the 5K. I will spare you the boring details (as I always do) and jump straight to the good part.

Since I'm in awesome shape, running the 5K was really easy. In fact, I felt like I could outrun a car. I was pacing myself so I would have enough energy at the end, but since it wasn't really a 5K (our team all finished about 4 min early and DS's iPod said it was only 2.6 miles instead of 3.1) I started sprinting at the end.


As soon as I reached the finish line, I could feel myself reaching 88 mph. You know what that means...

After we caught our breath, we realized we had gone BACK IN TIME.


As we looked around, one of the people in the past tried to get me to dance with her. At first, I was inclined to join since I love to dance. But then I saw through the trickery and realized if I did, I would be trapped in the past forever. So, instead, I tricked her by claiming I was a bad dancer. I thought it was a long shot since anyone who meets me can immediately tell I am a dancing machine.


Surprisingly, she bought the ruse. I guess my powers of persuasion have increased since coming to law school.

After that, we had to find an old nuclear warhead (named Jughead) and detonate it so we could warp BACK TO THE FUTURE.

Thanks for all the support and the donations!

There will be a bonus post to this showing one of our crew that got left behind because she decided to dance with the men-with-disco-ball-heads.
Updated:

To SWA: See? I don't hate dogs.

Since I live in the dorms, we're not allowed to have pets. This, however, has not stopped one of my friends. JW (a friend, not me. Really.) has been keeping a dog in her apartment since 2L year. Since periodically the staff have to come in and clean the windows/clean the carpet/replace filters, JW has to find somewhere to hide the dog on occasion. So this time, she asked me to dog-watch. Since I am a cat person, I said no. But Waffles (the dog) is really cute, so I changed my mind. All I would have to do is watch him for a few hours while JW is in class and the staff people clean her windows. EASY.


JW drops Waffles off in my room and leaves some toys for Waffles to play with. I watch him while I am reading for class. This all goes according to plan for the first hour. Read. Watch Waffles. Throw ball and train Waffles to bring it back to me. Go back to reading.

Suddenly, Waffles starts barking. I think maybe JW is approaching the door because whenever someone walks by, Waffles runs over to the door and stares at it. Suddenly, I hear a knock. Can she be back already? I look through the peep hole and see a stranger. Uh oh. I open the door a crack to see who it is. The guy is another student who lives down the hall and heard the barking as he was walking past.

stranger: "Do you have a dog in there?"
me: "Uh yeah. It's not mine though, I'm just watching it for a friend."
stranger: "I had to leave mine back in Oregon. How do you sneak it out to go to the bathroom?"
me: "Oh, well my friend just lays down these pads and the dog does his stuff on them."

As I am having this conversation, Waffles zooms out through the crack and takes off down the hall. I glance down to see what is happening and lunge forward to try to catch him before he makes his escape to freedom. I proceed to headbutt the stranger in the chin as I try to catch Waffles. The stranger steps back with a groan and I mutter an apology as I run by him and chase Waffles. After making sure he's ok, I proceed to chase Waffles.

Waffles is small. And fast. And likes freedom. I can't catch him. We end up having to surround him, me and the stranger. I scoop up Waffles and take him back into my room.

This is definitely the first time I've headbutted a complete stranger within the first minute of meeting him.

story of my life

(talking to my cousin's daughter about weather in LA vs weather in NY)

her: what's the temperature in NY?
me: 60. how hot is it over there?
her: 77.
me: WHAT? LUCKY!
her: you're just unlucky.

so true.

worst elevator ride ever

*ding*

The doors open to the slowest elevator imaginable. We step inside along with a few other people. After a few seconds, the doors still haven't closed. I reach for the "close door" button and hit it. *rrrring*

Oops. There is no close door button, and I've just hit the alarm button. The doors close and the elevator begins to ascend.

After a few seconds, I hear a barely audible voice saying something. I strain my ears and look up at the ceiling where it sounds like it's coming from. "Are you ok? Are you ok?" I realize it's the security person responding to the alarm being hit. "We're fine!" I yell. Since nobody else seemed to have heard the voice, my spontaneous outburst catches everyone by surprise.

*ding* The doors open onto our floor and I quickly step out to avoid any further embarrassment.

a superhero's job is never done

I was sitting in my office diligently working, when suddenly, TS, whose office is next to mine, walks in hysterical. She just broke the vending machine, she said. She wanted to buy a bag of chips, but when she punched in the code, the bag got stuck. So she tried to buy the same thing again, as any normal person would.

The second bag got stuck too.

So she tried to buy it a third time. Finally, all three bags fell to the bottom. But since they were stacked on top of each other, they were blocking the door and she couldn't reach in to get them.

After calming her down and giving her a box of tissues to wipe away her torrent of tears, I went to vending machine and got them out. Since the vending machine doesn't charge you unless the bag hits the bottom, she only had to pay for one and got three. She gave the other two to me.

Needless to say, I happily accepted the payment for my services.

ingenies

Last night my firm participated and sponsored a Lawyers for Literacy event. It was a spelling bee to raise money to help kids learn how to read. Our firm had 3 summer associates on our team. I was speller 3. All the 1's for all the teams go, then the 2's, then the 3's.

During round 1.

Host: "lexical."
DK, our speller 1: "l-e-x-y-c-l-e."
Eliminated.

During round 2.

Host: "inoculate."
TS, our speller 2: "i-n-n-o-c-u-l-a-t-e."
Eliminated.

It's all down to me. I noticed the trend of easy words at the beginning of each round, so I sat second. The first girl went up and the word was "ingenious." She spelled it, "i-n-g-e-n-i-u-s." I was thinking, yup, that's correct. Wrong, she got eliminated. I was so puzzled because I couldn't think of any other way to spell it. It was my turn.

Host: "ingenious."
me: "Can I have the definition?"
Host: some random words because I wasn't paying attention.
me: "i-n-g-e-n-i....."
(long pause. I knew "u-s" was wrong because that's how the girl spelled it. But that's the only way I could think of to spell it.)
me: "e-s."
Eliminated.

Our whole team got eliminated in our first rounds. And we were the biggest sponsor of the event. Awesome.

Center For Children Who Can't Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too

Blogging is hard work. I often think of stuff to post and then write a quick draft but never get around to actually publishing it. I probably have 20 or so posts that will always be in "draft" form and never get published.

Here's something I found in the Mozo archives. Back in 2004, I went to visit AWA and SWA in New Mexico. On the way back, I saw these signs that said "Do not pick up hitchhikers in this area. Prison facility." Grrrrrreat.

In other news, I'm going to be in a speeling bee on Wednesday. It'll be the furst tim sinse forth graid. Hupe I winn.

if it was roach powered, everyone would buy it

This is what I want for my birthday. And Christmas. And July 4.

http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn17372-gallery-domestic-robots-with-a-taste-for-flesh.html

Top Pot

I just went to 5 different Starbucks in a 2 block radius to look for donuts. If they're not preparing to take over the world, I dunno what they're doing. Just, please enlighten us on their plans after world domination.

Cylon Number Six

Previously, on our show:

#1,2,3 - debunked
#4 - debunked
return to #3 - debunked
#5 - debunked

Will there ever be a contestant that wins the look-a-like contest? Is this whole contest a scam? Will there ever be an end to people that want to look like me? What is the prize anyway? All this and more probably won't be revealed today.

In today's episode, we are going where we have never gone before. To the realm of animation. And outer space. And Disney.

Enough chit-chat. Let's cut to the chase. I submit for your perusal the following Exhibits:

  

Ok, where do I even begin?

1. Stitch is blue.
   
2. He's wearing a Santa hat. In APRIL. C'mon. Everyone knows I only bust out my Santa hat between Dec 1 and Dec 25. One of many codes I strictly adhere to.
   
3. He only has like 20 teeth. I have way more than that.
   
4. He has like 60 arms.
   
5. He KNOWS HOW TO FLY SPACESHIPS. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, I do not know how, nor have I ever flown a spaceship. That's probably the next thing I'll go to school for.

This has once again been debunked. Plus, he just looks inebriated.

Credit goes to JJ for finding the pic of Stitch.

Hmm. Didn't realize RSS doesn't work when you restrict access until people told me. And Google Reader doesn't support private feeds at the moment. Reverting to public for now.